Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas by OnlyInValhalla
by Naughty or Nice Contest
Summary: After half of Bella's world is taken from her by two careless roaming nomads, she finds that she can't stand the holiday season. Can Jasper help her learn to let go and heal?


**Contest entry for the Naughty or Nice Twilight Christmas Contest**

 **Title:** Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

 **Pairing:** Jasper/Bella

 **Rating:** M – Angst/Hurt and Comfort/Romance

 **Word Count:** 10,052

 **Summary:** After half of Bella's world is taken from her by two careless roaming nomads, she finds that she can't stand the holiday season. Can Jasper help her learn to let go and heal?

 **Disclaimer:** Twilight and its inclusive material is copyright to Stephenie Meyer. Original creation, including but not limited to plot and characters, is copyright to the respective authors of each story. No copyright infringement is intended.

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 **Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas**

Bella sighed from her spot on the charcoal chesterfield sofa. She'd been trying to distract herself since she found out that he was going to be late. She wanted to be mad at him because he had purposefully waited as late as possible to tell her. She understood why though. His goal was always to keep her worrying limited.

There was mounds of snow everywhere and she'd amused herself for a while watching her brother bear fuck around outside with his daughter, who was an absolutely adorable version of Emmett. Green eyes, dimples and all, except for a thick head full of copper colored curls she had inherited from Nana Esme. He may as well have been five all over again with her with the way he threw his entire self into their activities. He flung himself to the ground to make snow angels, kicking and flailing around in a comical fashion just to hear the joy filled laughter that peeled from her like silver bells as she watched her father in the simplistic happiness only a child could possess.

She watched them spend the afternoon building snowmen and packing snow into blocks for a wall when they weren't taking breaks to warm up and drink hot cocoa. On their last outing, Emmett, in true Em fashion, started a hellacious snowball fight with the neighbors and dove behind their wall they'd built where he already had Edy packing piles of snowballs like a good little minion. Her brother bear just couldn't do without grandiose theatrics and thus fell over with much howling and fist shaking when he was actually hit. He gave as good as he got, however. Especially seeing as it were three older teenagers against just him and Edy. In the end, a truce was drawn for the day and Edythe shook hands with the opposition leader as Emmett dangled her securely by one ankle over the fence, much to both her and the little girl's amusement.

Emmett sat her back down on the ground finally after Rosalie just happened to catch sight of them out of the window and came out on the porch to yell at him. Edy found this even more hilarious. He motioned her on up the sidewalk to her mother and waited until they were inside to go over and remove the carrot and two pieces of coal from one snowman's face and stick all three on the bottom ball. Then he waved to Bella oh so cheerily before going inside too. She didn't know whether to roll her eyes in exasperation or laugh.

She could see them in their living room from where she sat. Every so often blonde pigtails would pop up in the window and Edy would wave enthusiastically over to her. She made sure she returned the favor heartily even though the feeling wasn't there. Edythe didn't know that though and Bella wouldn't have her suspect anything was wrong, especially not on Christmas Eve. At her age Christmas and all that surrounded it was pure magic and Bella would do whatever she had to to extend that wonderment as long as she could.

Bella was of the firm belief that just because _she_ hated Christmas it didn't mean that everyone else had to as well. She watched down the street for another half an hour before she couldn't take it anymore. She had to get up and do something or the raptors that had taken up residence in her stomach were going to shred their way out. The CB radio on the end table behind her had been silent for a while now. He must be at his appointment now. She made sure to turn the volume all the way up so she could hear it from anywhere in the house before getting busy.

She made her way to their bathroom and turned the hot water all the way on, tossing in some bath salts and bubble bath for good measure. Though large, the tub was known to fill quickly. It gave her enough time to go uncork a bottle of wine, pour herself a glass and prepare everything for afterwards.

The water was scalding when she slid in, but that was by design. It kept her mind on her physical self rather than casting itself years in the past and dredging up worry and questions of _what if what if what if_. She forced herself to sit and acclimate to the temperature, focusing on the stinging in her toes, which had been freezing before and letting it take over her thought process as she sipped her wine. She focused on the water, the bubbles and everything except the silence that was swallowing the rest of the house. She should have put on some music. Some 80's hair metal would be good right now. She snorted and downed the rest of the glass.

She hummed a variety of different songs from Twisted Sister to Def Leppard as she scrubbed, shaved, exfoliated and rehydrated her body and washed her hair. By the time she was finished the water was tepid. Perfect timing for her to pull the plug. After carefully getting out of the tub, she made her way across the tile to the rarely used vanity.

Bella intently watched every move she made, focusing on what she was doing so that her mind didn't slide back into _what if what if what if_. Once her long tresses were a thick mass of big curls she focused on her makeup. Carefully putting every single lesson she could remember Alice giving her into practice, she went through the entire regimen. She leaned close to inspect herself in the mirror after the last lash was mascara laden. Smokey eyes, cat eye eyeliner, red lipstick that perfectly matched the high heels she had waiting on the bed along with the sheer crotchless body stocking that was laid out next to them. Blush would have been superfluous, seeing as she always provided that herself naturally. Alice would be so proud.

Deeming the job acceptable she pulled out a little tub of honeysuckle body powder. The duster applicator tickled along her arms and chest, between the valley of her breasts and along the streaks she dusted on as she made her way in random strokes to her knees. Calling herself finished, she went to the bedroom and shimmied into the body stocking. It was black, but sheer enough to give a lovely view of the goods. She hooked her fingers in the heels and wandered back towards the living room. Chalking the wineglass up to abandoned, she snagged the bottle as she passed by the dinner table.

She froze at the doorway to the living room however, to stare. Having forgotten to turn the lamps or the ceiling fan on when she left, the room was lowly lit in a soft glow. Now that it was completely dark the only thing lighting the room was the Christmas tree Jasper had tricked her into helping decorate. The stockings hung on command hooks, one on each side of the tree. It was beautiful and simple with the blue and silver ornaments, the silver tinsel and the white Christmas lights adorning the branches. A blue skirt with white trim covered the bottom and was covered in piles of presents. At the top was a tasteful snowflake that was lowkey on the sparkle. She could appreciate the beauty, but it didn't change that she hated it.

She thought about how he had picked it all out on Amazon and two days later it was at their house. He'd already had the tree assembled before she got home so it wasn't such a simple matter as tossing the thing out in the yard for the postal service to come pick back up. Not that she would have after seeing the look on his face as he was fluffing out the branches. Bella didn't have any intention, however, in helping him hang a single ornament or touch a strand of lights. He'd opened a few of bottles of wine and had a couple glasses with her before meandering back into the living room. She'd made it through one more glass before sighing to herself and going to check on him. For him, she'd thought, I can at least hang out on the couch while he does his Christmas thing. So she had. Then she watched him struggle to juggle ornaments as he took them out of the big singular piece of annoying, bendy plastic packaging they were all crammed into and then try to get a hook on them without dropping everything.

After the third time he had a mishap she'd jumped up off the couch and took it out of his hands entirely, telling him she would hold it for him. She missed the sneaky grin that had curled his lips. She was too busy casually checking out what ornaments he'd bought. Trying his luck Jasper started taking more time with placing each ornament until she'd started pointing out where to put what. At some point they'd stopped entirely and popped all the ornaments out for expediency and then hung them together. When he got the package of lights out she dryly reminded him that he should have done that first, and also that he ordered lights that people typically hung on houses.

Jasper had given a sheepish shrug paired with an embarrassed grin. An annoyed sigh of defeat was had at that, despite the fact that the sight of him was endearing. It was either help him or there was no telling what he'd get himself into. Much like the time she refused to help Emmett do the dishes and he poured liquid dish soap into the cup where the detergent went. She'd went to the kitchen to get a drink and there had been piles of bubbles everywhere with more erupting out from the dishwasher. They'd _just_ managed to get it all cleaned up before Carlisle and Esme got back home. Having learned from this experience she'd helped him to get the strands where he wanted them without knocking off half the ornaments they'd hung. In the end, they hadn't broken anything and the mistakenly bought lights worked out better than anticipated.

He'd kissed her in thanks after they were finished but it hadn't convinced her to stick around to admire their work. Instead she beat feet back to the kitchen to make cupcakes for the work function the next day, of which he had stolen two. The green cream cheese frosting styled as Christmas trees atop of homemade red velvet cupcakes were just too much temptation. She'd 'accidentally' bumped his elbow on her way by while he was biting into the second one, resulting in smeared frosting across his face. His penance for being a cupcake thief, she'd claimed. The cupcakes had been her only intended 'Christmas' thing for the season. A gift for Alice, whom she worked with and whom could talk her into almost anything.

He knew why she hated Christmas and so far the most he'd done since they'd started living together three years ago was buy some poinsettias and hang a couple of stockings. Breaking free of her reverie, she went over and tossed the shoes down on the floor, slipping into them and settling back onto the faux fur blanket where she had been stationed earlier. Instead of staring out the window, she was back to staring at the tree.

There were no other Christmas decorations up anywhere else except for some icicle lights Jazz had put up on the house. That had been done to ease the worry of Edythe, because apparently if you didn't put Christmas lights on your house you ran the risk of Santa not finding you when he was flying overhead. Which was why there was all sorts of light-up shit everywhere over at Emmett and Rose's house. On the house, in the yard, on the shrubs, in the trees, even the mailbox was done up! She shuddered at the thought of the electric bill.

Perhaps hate was the wrong word, Bella thought. It wasn't so much that she hated the season, or the ornaments, or the presents, or the joy that seemed to seep out and radiate from everywhere as the Christmas spirit infected the world around her. It just hurt, like her heart had been inflicted with a thousand fresh papercuts and then doused in lemon juice and salt. She hadn't celebrated Christmas in eight years.

It reminded her too much of her parents. And of Edward.

Bella had never been a stranger to the hospital, having been severely accident prone for her entire living memory. During her senior year it had not been her chosen destination to spend Christmas Eve nor Christmas at. That had been her mother's house in Florida. Her appendix had decided differently and chosen to start rupturing right before they were going to leave for the airport, resulting in emergency surgery and a few days stay under the watchful eye of Dr. Carlisle Cullen, Edward's father.

This did not suit Renee in the slightest. Since Bella could not come to her for Christmas, she would simply have to go to Bella. With it being Christmas, Charlie wouldn't allow Renee to stay in some old Forks motel. He'd drove past them, much to her confusion, and onto his house where he dropped her bags and packages off on Bella's bed, much to the owner's exasperated amusement.

Bella hadn't lacked in company since being admitted, at least. Ever the devoted boyfriend, Edward had spent every day with her from the time visiting hours started until Carlisle had to all but drag him home in the evenings. He'd brought her food from Esme's kitchen, having very politely told the staff that he would prefer to provide Bella her meals. More than one nurse had become starry eyed over the course of her stay. He'd provided entertainment, companionship and conversation, attending to her every need. He'd refrained from talking about what he'd gotten her, so as not to upset her, instead leading the discussion on what they'd gotten their families.

Surprisingly, she had been the one to bring up gifts to each other, pulling an envelope out from under her pillows. The contents causing him to radiate glee and excitement. Working at Newtons scored her a deep discount on many things. A gift from the Newtons had been to choose any one thing they offered to apply that discount to, seeing as it was usually a limited benefit. Bella had immediately chosen a guided hunt package that offered a weekend hunt for mountain lions for three. The increasing population guaranteed a late hunting season for the year. A boy's weekend she'd explained, for him, his father and his brother.

He was quiet, staring at the papers and holding her hand tightly. He'd wanted to do a hunt like this for a few years but something had always inevitably happened to cause a cancellation. Emmett's bear attack the previous year almost nailed the coffin shut on the whole hunting idea had it not been for Carlisle secretly giving Bella the go ahead on her plan. She could all but feel the supreme joy radiating from him and that was gift enough for her, in her opinion. He never agreed with this sort of notion nor any that she had about them, always insisting that she had their situations reversed. That he was the lucky one to be with such a prized woman and that she never saw herself clearly.

Eventually Edward remembered what he'd brought with him as an early present for her and pulled it out of his pocket to hand over. The sight of her iPod both confused and worried her. It was nothing for Edward to drop a few hundred dollars of his inheritance money downloading music. When she turned it on at his prodding, however, she found something much more priceless than that. Edward had composed and recorded an entire album of original music just for her. The track listing started with her Lullaby for the intro and ended with a longer variation of it. It had been her turn to be the one that was speechless.

Gently, he'd taken it back and put it in the dock to play, cuddling up with her afterwards to listen to it. In her mind it was perfect. A gift from the heart, made with his hands that had involved no money seeing as Edward owned all of his own recording equipment in the first place. When it was finished, he promised to give her the second part of her gift on Christmas, which was the next day. She'd looked incredulous for a split second but then let it go. The excited gleam was back in his eye and she didn't have the heart to squash that after what he'd just bestowed upon her. Charlie and Renee had showed up afterwards for their turn at gifts with their daughter.

The day finally came to an end and she was slated to be released the following morning. While being a fantastic gift in and of itself, it failed to touch what she'd been given so far. There had been a slight hiccup in her parents leaving, thanks to the dead battery in the patrol car. Edward volunteered to take them back home, since he was leaving anyway. After a few minutes of grumbling Charlie begrudgingly accepted the offer after Renee jabbed him in the ribs. A kiss goodbye to Bella and they were gone.

Half an hour later, Bella's luck caught up with her and turned her life to ashes. A group of "nomads", they had been described, decimated those she'd held dearest. A married couple by the names of James and Victoria, along with a French-Canadian friend named Laurent, had been passing through the area on the way to Vancouver via Port Angeles and Victoria in an old suburban, pulling the camper they lived out of. She would never forget Carlisle coming to her room with the syringe of sedative, his face covered in tears. She had went numb when he told her that the travelers had been indulging in alcohol on their trip, speeding despite the ice and snow, running the red light and slamming into the side of that shiny silver Volvo that was supposed to be so highly rated when it came to safety and crash testing. It wouldn't have been so bad, Carlisle had explained in his shaking voice, if it hadn't been for the big tree they'd ended up pinned against. The driver had died, he'd said, but the other two lived.

Comprehension ceased, the ringing started. Darkness fell to the tune of a lullaby when her hearing returned. They were buried by the end of the week. That had been the last year she'd willingly celebrated Christmas until Edy had gotten old enough to marvel it. Carlisle, Esme and Emmett were the only reason she'd survived. She'd been in a comatose state until they began to pack Edward's room up, then she had come alive with a vengeance. They had taken her in, because family doesn't abandon each other, they'd said. They'd put her through college after high school. They had a college fund that had been saved for Edward to attend Julliard and not have to get a job. It had taken some wheedling and cajoling, a tiny bit of guilting and a promise of donating part of it to music programs in Forks and beyond that convinced her to accept it.

Emmett was already going to the University of Washington for sports medicine, so she went there too in pursuit of an English degree. Emmett had been her rock and her protector. It was through Emmett that she had met Jasper, or more like because of Emmett. Had he not thrown her over his shoulder on campus when she refused to go to some fun event for the fiftieth time, she wouldn't have been kicking and flailing while demanding heartily to be put down. Had she not been kicking and flailing, she wouldn't have knocked the books and coffee from some poor fellow's arms.

Jasper had been minding his own business, walking down the sidewalk on his way to class when the pair had rounded the building suddenly and he found himself soaked in his beverage with his books and notes strewed everywhere. His ire died however, when he came face to face with the girl who wreaked havoc upon the rest of his day. Blushing and stammering apologies while she scrambled to collect his notes before they blew away, he found her breathtaking and charming. She was sputtering on about making it up to him when he seized his chance, despite knowing the whole debacle had been Emmett's fault. He bargained a date for forgiveness. Emmett accepted for her and spewed out her number before she could kill him.

What had made her go through with it was that Jasper had completely ignored Emmett, focusing on her instead and what she had wanted. Boys her own age were intolerable for the most part, so she'd avoided dating for more reasons than just her trauma. Jasper was older and acted in a way Bella thought a grown man should. He was kind, courteous and mature. That he had plans for his future and a road mapped out to get to those goals were a bonus. That he was snarky, intelligent, hilarious sealed the deal. Her family loved him, almost as much as she did. She took that as a sign from the beyond that she should go back to actually living life or at least try. That had been five and a half years ago. They'd spent four Christmases together and he'd never gone as far as he had this year.

She turned her back on the tree in favor of the thickly curtained windows again, one hand holding them apart so she could keep vigil for his headlights. It was so tempting to hop on the ever silent CB behind her and call out into the ether 'Graceless Swan to Major Killjoy, come in Major Killjoy'. She snorted. It was thanks to Emmett and his meddling that the names had stuck. When he found out they had gotten CB radios he had as well. He had also, one day out of the blue, started calling out to them by those names before they had gotten themselves established over the airwaves under anything else. He'd always said that Jasper was a killjoy for cutting off his brotherly harassment prematurely. The inspiration for Bella's handle was obvious to anyone who knew her. Apparently the locals found it so hilarious that they ended up stuck with them. After that mission had been accomplished Emmett packed his away in a closet, where it would probably end up either in a yard sale or a dumpster one day. Despite the strong desire to hop on and see if there were any replies to be had, a stronger part squashed it. It was too risky to potentially distract him.

Sleep crept up on her like a ninja, its footsteps muted by the aid of the bottle of wine and the exhaustion brought on by excess worry and the ever present cadence of the _what if what if what if_ track on the broken record that played in the back of her mind anytime he was late or there were hazardous conditions. No matter what she did, she couldn't find the damn off button. She couldn't find the record player either for that matter. She was fantasizing what she was going to do with that record player when she found it one day when she fell sound asleep.

Fifteen minutes later a black truck creeped its way down the street and into the driveway. He noted the time and tried to rationalize to himself that nine wasn't too bad. Between some corrections that had to be made to his purchase at his appointment, a horrific pile up accident due to snow and ice accumulations and the current weather itself, he considered himself lucky that he was home already. Nevertheless, he felt guilty for her fretting. He had anticipated her calling to him over the radio to check on him since he'd taken so long to get home. He would have called out to reassure her but had been devoted to driving, having played dodge most of the way with frantic people who had procrastinated until the very last second to go do gift shopping despite the ever increasingly shitty weather situation.

It was progress that he would happily take. During their first Christmas together he had been stuck in traffic on his way from the other side of Seattle for hours because of wreck after wreck after wreck. Bella had had a scanner then and listened in on every police response to every accident, of which there were many because of the thick snow that had been coming down on top of already icy conditions. When their cell service cut out she hopped on the radio and called out to him frequently. He had responded every time, with patience, because that was what she needed.

He knew some things would be a challenge when he first started dating her, but it was nothing that they couldn't work through, that he couldn't adapt to for her. As he had told her time and again, 'I know what you're feeling right now, and you _are_ worth it'. And she was. Despite his background as a psychiatrist, Jasper knew pain, hopelessness and loss intimately.

His family had disowned him when he didn't go along with the arranged marriage, or go for the degree he was directed to or pretty well anything else they demanded of him. He thought back to the one last thing they'd done for him, which was sign his enlistment papers for the Marine Corps. He never regretted serving, but he did regret the lives that had been taken that shouldn't have been. Sure, he'd killed dozens of bad guys but battle could be confusing and mistakes were easy to make when it was guerilla warfare. Real life wasn't red team vs. blue team, after all. The lines weren't so clear as that. He also deeply regretted not seeing the signs in his brethren before several took their own lives. Especially Garrett. Garrett had been his best friend before he'd taken his own life. That had been the push to setting him on his path.

He'd met Peter at UW, who was studying to become an OB/GYN They'd started out sharing a dorm together. When they met, it was as if they'd known each other all their lives. Now they worked in the same neighborhood and shared back yard property lines. He'd helped Jasper through his darkest days, talking him down off a ledge and pulling him out of the abyss that the loss of Maria had sent him into. Maria that he'd slept with off and on during their service time together, that he had loved but was not in love with. Maria that had jumped from a bridge into traffic. Sometimes Peter talked nonsense to distract people and that was one of those times.

" _She's going to need you. They all are. What are they going to do without you to help them put themselves back together?" Peter said, flapping his arms about, exasperated after half an hour of circular conversations._

" _Maria's dead, Peter! There's no putting anyone back together after they jump off a bridge that tall!" He'd snarled, pulling at his own hair. He didn't want to get sucked into Peter's brain, he wanted to do this and be free._

" _Obviously not Maria, J, but you'll see, one day. You'll see and you'll know that I was right," Peter nodded with finality before stepping up on the ledge next to him. Jasper didn't like Peter that close to the edge. Peter had Charlotte at home and a miniature him on the way. "If you go, I go, J," he said, staring him dead in the face. He'd be damned if the motherfucker wasn't serious._

 _So he'd grabbed him by the arm and yanked him away from the edge of the ten story apartment building. Peter then convinced him into going to therapy after that, which had helped. It gave him hope that by being helped, he in turn could help someone else and keep other families from being forever broken. That he could help someone make the choice to live for themselves since he had been there and knew exactly what they were feeling._

He could see the bedroom light was on, but also that there were low lights on in the living room. He paused on the sidewalk to ponder this until a biting wind slithered its way up his sleeves and along his collar, sending his hair into further disarray and making him shudder. He would find out if his speculation was true or not. His thoughts continued meandering as he silently let himself inside. He slipped out of his boots, coat, and gloves, mentally cursing when he realized that he'd left his thick Slytherin scarf hanging on the hook in his office. His mind wandered, as it was prone to do as he emptied his pockets on the sideboard next to the coatrack.

He'd let her bask in her misery and what she thought of as her hatred of Christmas for four years now without prodding. This year he'd decided to meddle a little bit. One afternoon a few weeks ago they'd been drinking coffee on the porch and she'd been grumbling about the upcoming season while watching Emmett climb around on top of his house, consulting a hand drawn map and plotting out strand after strand after strand of lights and decorations with Edythe shouting up directions at him from time to time from her swing in the front yard. _"Santa's gots to have a runway, Daddy!"_ had been the clearest thing they'd been able to make out, but Emmet was obviously able to hear her loud and clear, acquiescing to her orders as much as possible. After her amusement died down he'd casually made the suggestion that perhaps it wasn't that she hated Christmas.

She'd snorted and went back to her Words with Friends game with Alice while covertly keeping an eyeball on Em. Jasper had watched her over the rims of his black, rectangular framed glasses patiently. When she could ignore him no longer she heaved a great sigh of annoyance and met his stare. Between the two of them, she'd backed down first. She huffed and crossed her arms afterwards, abandoning the phone and watching Emmett intensely. He could detect the wheels spinning in her brain as she sat sullen and sad while she thought about it. That had been good enough for him. She had reacted and had started to think about it, which had been his objective. Plants didn't shoot up out of nowhere. The seeds had to be buried and nurtured. Sometimes though, you had to cut away the rot before progress could be made.

He put all those thoughts out of his mind, _'Live in the now'_ he reminded himself, rubbing his hands on his slacks. He padded across the hardwood floor in his socks to the entrance of the living room and peeked around the corner. The sight that greeted him made his heart do a little funny something, as it usually did where she was concerned.

Slow and silent he moved, to draw out his appreciation of his sleeping beauty. She sat in a puddle of her favorite white and gray faux fur blanket on the charcoal chesterfield sofa with her legs tucked up beside her. Long, thick hair in large curls tumbled down her back and across her chest just enough to entice. Her hand was still holding the curtain open by the tips of her fingers where she'd been watching for him. Her head rested on her outstretched arm, ruby lips slightly open in sleep. Though the light was dim, he could make out her features perfectly. The gentle glow of the Christmas lights accentuated the pinup style makeup she'd donned. The scent of honeysuckle rose to greet him when he got close enough, causing his already fitted pants to tighten to an almost uncomfortable level. The sight of the red fuck me heels she liked to tease him with didn't help with the space problem.

He took a moment and ran his nose along her arm, less than an inch away to inhale the bouquet of her essence. There was the honeysuckle powder and the white peach body wash she'd started using after the drugstore stopped carrying her favorite freesia soap. But underneath all of that and which tied it all together beautifully was her natural scent. The smell of her that calmed him after a bad dream, the scent that brought him back to Earth after an episode. It was safety, warmth and home.

He stood again and took out his cellphone. He moved around to the far end of the couch and snapped an artful shot of her after making some lighting adjustments. He would show it to her the next day and let her make the decision on whether it was kept or not. It had been beautiful though. Her hair and the shadows protected anything from being seen that shouldn't have. The tree was just to the right of her and gave the perfect unfocused background glow and lit her features better than he could have ever planned. The only real color in the picture was her red lipstick and just a peek of her shoes.

He tossed it onto the couch and moved to slowly, gently rearrange her. He mostly guided her into a reclining position, running his fingers along her legs and arms, coercing her to roll to her side with her leg hitched up, how he knew she slept best. He pulled just enough of the blanket to cover her behind and upper thighs. Her hair had fallen perfectly again, covering her breasts just enough to shield them from sight. It was another photo opportunity that he took. A few shots later and it was on the end table. He gave a gentle sigh and sat down on the ottoman to simply watch her.

He had done a couple of things behind her back and his stomach squirmed in uncertainty over how it would be received. He'd caught her crying a few times over the past couple of months, listening to her iPod. He'd asked no questions, simply offered his comfort. He already knew what she'd been listening to. He wondered what she would do if something happened to the music she had stored digitally. It would break her heart into a billion pieces he knew. So he'd snuck it from her purse before work one day for just long enough to copy the files, then had put it right back where she left it.

He glanced to a pair of boxes wrapped in matching paper, the smaller one perched upon the larger. Then he shook the thoughts from his mind. It was too late to change anything now.

"Jasper!"

He jumped and whipped his head back around. Her eyes were bleary with sleep, but filled with relief and a moment later it was all he could do to remain upright, finding himself with a lap full of her. His arms went around her and he rocked her gently.

"I'm here, I'm ok, I'm here." He whispered into those big silky curls, planting gentle kisses as he rubbed her back.

Five minutes passed, then ten. Finally, she pulled back a little bit and to his immense relief, there were no tears. It was better than she'd ever done before. She'd spent hours clinging to him in the past. Becoming his shadow for days at a time. It wasn't an abnormality either, for her to pull him into passionate, mind blowing sex during those times. A reaffirmation of life, he'd always figured and different than other sexual encounters they had. It was like she wanted to be possessed by him, immersed in him, to cement in her brain that he was there. At first it had taken a week of her being hyper clingy. Then the next time it was five days. Then back to a week. It would get better, then worse, then better again. Things in life never seemed to go in a linear progression, he'd found. This was no different. He had never given up on her though and she'd never stopped trying. They were down to little over ten minutes of reaction. It was major progress.

The feel of her, soft and warm pressed against him coupled with how fucking gorgeous she looked was beginning to eat at him. He knew she'd initiate if he didn't, so he decided to take the lead. She had already pressed herself back against him again, so with the hand stroking her hair, he gently pulled it back just enough to access her shoulder. Dipping his head down, he left a trail of open mouthed kisses over to her neck where he started kissing and mouthing. His hands, not remaining idle, traced along her curves. The left moved from her hip to the side of her breast, his thumb teasing the side. The other slowly drug its way from her knee to her hip in slow circuits, pausing occasionally to give a firm squeeze to an ass cheek. His fingertips pressed against her skin just enough to light her nerves on fire. Her breathing had went from hitched, then to ragged as his lips made their way to her ear, taking the lobe between his teeth and nibbling. Quiet mewls issued from her lips as she began to squirm against him, pressing her full breasts and pebbled nipples against his chest. He turned her around, her back to his chest, and spread her legs apart with her inner calves pressed against his outer ones. He took her hands, guiding them together and lacing her fingers. It went without saying that she was to keep her hands like this.

He swept her hair over one shoulder to keep it out of his way and went back to teasing the flesh of her shoulder, neck and ear while his hands more fully explored her. Running along her waist, squeezing her breasts, pinching at her nipples while the other explored her thighs and touched her everywhere except where she wanted, even going so far as to stroke her lips with his fingertips, teasing. She had been reduced to whimpers and moans, red mouth partially open to accommodate her panting state. She finally broke.

"Please!" She begged simply.

His lips curved in pleasure against her skin, continuing his teasing for a few moments more before she squeezed her legs against his and whined in delicious frustration. He decided to take mercy on her and slid two fingers between her folds, finding the swollen bud. He gathered some of her slickness on his fingers before setting a brisk rhythm rubbing her clit. Her moans filled the once quiet room, 'oh God' and 'thank you' mixing in with them from time to time. The closer to the edge she got, the tighter she squeezed her interlaced hands together. It didn't take long for the flush in her cheeks to spread down to her chest and her panting to become harsh. As she had become more aroused she had started rubbing her hips along with the movements of his hand. If she kept rubbing against his already hardened, straining cock much more he'd end up blowing his load far too soon and that would just not do tonight of all nights. He stood suddenly, taking her with him, of course, and spun her around. He guided her back two steps and then down onto the couch, gently pushing her to relax back into the cushions and faux fur.

Her eyes were locked on hers from the moment she had turned, and he kept them that way as he sank to his knees. She spread her legs for him without being told, scooting down to the edge as he guided her legs over his shoulders. He decided to tease her a bit more, running the tip of his nose against her, licking and suckling at her lips, stroking her thighs and hips. Only when she gave another whimpered "Please!" did he begin his ministrations again. He alternated between suckling her clit and stroking her with his tongue. He had yet to break eye contact with her. She was fucking gorgeous with her flushed, heaving chest and that red mouth shaped like an O as she whimpered, moaned and cried out. Her laced hands were pressed to her chest and he could tell that she was desperately wanting to grab something. Her breasts, her hair, his hair, the couch, anything. But she was a good girl and kept them how he'd placed them. If she kept them that way he would have to reward her well. He had to finally hold her hips down to force her to be still though. He could tell that she was so, so close. He began stroking her exactly how he knew would make her come undone. Finally she snapped, screaming out her pleasure and throwing her head back, her clenched hands going to her hair, but not letting go. He kept going throughout her orgasm, stopping only when it was obvious she was coming back down from it. He gave her a few more long licks before crawling up and kissing her on the mouth, letting her taste herself. He moved to settle on the couch next to her, watching her with a satisfied smirk as he wiped his face with his shirtsleeve.

He pulled her hands apart, wrapping them in his own and bringing them to his mouth to kiss and nuzzle as he stared at her. The grin that unfurled on her lips was beautiful and he'd do anything to keep it there. He knew this Christmas was going to be hard, and that it wouldn't be there for much longer. They always opened their gifts the night before so they could go on over to watch Edythe open her own early the next morning. She needed this though. It was time for her to deal with this pain and move on before it consumed her.

When she was fully back to earth, she turned to him, stroking his face with her fingertips and slipping her hands from his to start undoing the buttons of his shirt. He let her, watching her nimble fingers work. When it was done, she continued on and unbuckled his belt, then his pants, and zipper. When her hands made to slide in, he stopped her, holding her wrists in one hand and sliding his belt out from the loops with the other. He took the belt and looped it, encircling her wrists with it. He then handed her the excess, making her keep her own wrists bound. This was extremely satisfying to him. He knew that if she didn't want this, she wouldn't cling to the leather strap so tightly in anticipation. His hand slipped into her hair and pulled her face to his, kissing her with love, adoration, and more than just a touch of dominance. He had to have her. Now.

He broke away and turned her around, bending her over the arm with it just underneath her breasts. He positioned her legs with one knee on the couch and one high heeled foot on the floor. Her fingers gripped the strap with one hand and the faux fur with the other. Excitement raced through her as she listened to the fabric of his shirt flutter to the floor, then heard him shove his boxers down impatiently just far enough to expose himself. A shudder ripped through her as she felt the brush of the head of his cock against her wet lips. He ran the tip up and down her folds, lubricating himself before slowly pushing into her. She cried out at the delicious intrusion. Once he was fully seated in her he leaned forward and gently grasped her jaw, making her look up. She found herself staring at a reflection of them in the big gilded mirror she'd bought and he'd hung for her. They locked eyes and she was no more able to pull her gaze away than she was able to force the sun to set.

He started with slow, deliberate strokes, getting her adapted before grasping both hips and increasing his pace. The only sounds in the room were the smacking of his pelvis against her ass as he claimed her and the sounds of pleasure as it fell from her lips. The world fell away and it was just them, but it was more than just fucking, more than their little games. As she stared into his eyes, she knew that there could be no her without him. She'd already attached and wrapped herself up in him too much. Buried him in her heart and stitched him in there.

She felt, rather than saw, his hand slip between her legs and rub her clit. Between the pounding and the further stimulation she broke, screaming her pleasure and his name. His rhythm broke into disjointed thrusts as she came, the sight of her exploding and imploding at the same time ripping his own orgasm from him. He came to a stop, fully buried within her and slumped over, resting his head on her back as he caught his breath. After his heartrate came back closer to normal, he placed a few open mouthed kisses and slowly pulled out of her, relishing the whimper she gave as he slipped out. He retrieved the shirt, using it to clean her up, then himself. He took the belt off of her wrists and kissed the red marks that had been left from her holding it so tightly.

They settled in on the couch, her back to his chest and wrapped tightly in his arms. All was peaceful until she spied something on the ottoman.

"What's that?" She asked, curious.

He glanced over and felt his heart jump into his throat. That wasn't supposed to fucking happen. He kept himself from huffing, lest she think it was towards her rather than himself. Giving up, he decided to roll with it like he'd learned how to in life. He gave her one last kiss before getting up and picking the box up. She had sat up too, wrapping herself loosely in the blanket, curious and looking a bit wary. It was now or never, so he went over to where they'd just been and dropped back to his knees and gripping her hands in his.

"When we first met, I was a wreck. I may not have seemed like it, but I was. When we started dating, it gave me something to look forward to, something to become addicted to. I was at a point to where I wasn't excited about anything, not really. Then you and Emmett came careening around a corner and my life came to a slamming stop, literally. You have given me back something that I lost in the deserts of the Middle East. For the first in a long time, I felt hope. Hope that I could have a good, happy, and long life with someone that I trusted. You've been with me in good times and bad and I swear that I will be there for you through everything life throws at us. Isabella Swan, I swear to love you for the rest of my life, until our hearts stop beating and beyond. Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?" and with the question, he opened up the ring box and set it gently in her palm.

Her mouth fell open. She should have anticipated this. They'd been together for five years after all and owned a house together. Had already mixed their CD's and silverware as the saying goes. This was the next logical step in the progression. The sight of the ring though set off all sorts of klaxons in her brain. She'd already invested herself too much into people before and look what it got her. It had been years since the accident and she was still grieving.

' _Didn't you just think to yourself that there was no you without him?'_ Her conscience interjected unhelpfully. She wanted to argue it, but the truth was, that had been her exact thoughts. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that she was just as wrapped up in him, if not more so, than any of the three she'd lost. She bit her lip as she stared, warring within herself silently. Still, the overwhelming panic injected poison and it began to muddle her thoughts. _What if, what if, what if_. Husband, and therefore Widow carried a hundred thousand times more weight.

Jasper, however, was still where he was when she went off in her own head. He'd more or less anticipated this sort of reaction, so he did what he always did. He waited patiently, like he always would for her.

She bit her lip and went to respond to him when she spied an inscription on the lid. Pulling it closer, she examined it.

 _All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. – Havelock Ellis_

The words that she had prepared, the list of excuses she'd made up died away. She was being fucking ridiculous. She had been running away for so long instead of turning and facing her problems for no reason. It had done her no good and this moment right now proved it to her. She couldn't run from him, no more than she could force the new moon to show itself. Love, like gravity, held her to him, a willing captive. It was funny how our own minds could force ourselves to ignore the painfully obvious until we chose to acknowledge reality.

So it was a smile that crawled across her mouth when she said yes and threw herself at him, tackling him back onto the floor, a joyous whooping coming from him before he attacked her mouth with his own. When they pulled apart she pulled the ring from the box and handed it to him. Tenderly, he slid it on her finger and crushed her to him, radiating joy.

It was when Bella spied the clock did she gasp. How did 3 a.m. happen so fast?! They had to open presents! Edythe would be up in two hours, max!

Jasper had come to the same conclusion when he checked his phone for any messages and spotted the time. His gut twisted. One more hurdle to go. They went through their ritual. Even though Bella had detested Christmas, she had always been a good sport because Jasper enjoyed it. Bella made two large mugs of hot chocolate spiked with Baileys Irish Cream and topped with whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles. While she was doing that Jasper divided up the presents.

They each took their spots on the floor, facing one another next to the tree. In order to keep things what Bella liked to call 'Equal' they set a certain number of presents and an amount limit for each one. It kept him from going overboard and it kept her from feeling inadequate. He initially disliked this arrangement, so they compromised. Whatever they ended up saving for gifts throughout the year and not spending would go to a joint item or event. Like a new TV or towards a cruise or the like.

They worked their way through the presents, finally ending up at the big ones.

When she saw two boxes she scowled at him, "We were only supposed to do one big present a piece."

He hated seeing her in distress, "It may be in two boxes but it's part of the same thing. I wouldn't foul up our arrangement like that, Bell." He soothed. She was easier to set off this time of year than any other, so he was extra vigilant to keep his stores of patience in abundance.

She reddened, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I reacted like that. I know you wouldn't do anything to hurt me deliberately." She wrapped her arms around herself and stared at her lap in guilt.

He wasn't having that today, so he moved over behind her, putting a leg on either side of her and squished her to him, "Love you, Bell."

"Love you too, J," she mumbled.

"This time of year is hard for you, I understand that. It's gonna be alright. Come on, we have one more present a piece." He encouraged, stealing a kiss before moving to sit next to her.

She took a deep breath and unwrapped the smaller of the boxes. It was a big velvet necklace box. She made no assumptions though, Jasper had tricked her more than once like that, much to his amusement. Opening it, she found several thumb drives set in foam cushioning. Ten in total. Before she could ask, she found writing on the lid, like he'd done with her ring, along with something taped to it.

 _To live in hearts we leave behind, is not to die – Thomas Campbell_

It was with trepidation that she pulled the photo loose and turned it over. Tears pricked at her eyes. It was a picture of her and Edward before they went to prom. Carlisle had captured the moment of him putting her corsage on her wrist while Charlie and Renee watched.

"What are these, Jasper?" she asked shakily, tears leaking from her eyes.

"Open the other one, Bella," he requested lowly.

She watched him for a moment then did as he asked. Trust him, her gut said. When she pulled the lid off the box she gasped and dropped it. Both hands went to her mouth and she could only stare for a few minutes before she picked up the simple white record sleeve.

 _A Compilation of Works, Dedicated to Isabella Swan_ was printed on the front in a neat script font. On the back was the track listing and song times.

"I know you listen to his music often, Bella. There was one day where you couldn't get your iPod to cooperate and you went into a meltdown over potentially losing the music on there. Now you have multiple backups and we have several places we can put them for safe keeping. I also had all of your family photos scanned in and put on two of the USB drives-" and that was all that he got out before she bear hugged him, crying into his neck in both joy and grief. She had been afraid of the same thing, yet didn't have any solutions to the problem except to just have a couple of backups and hope for the best. Now she would always have them.

"I don't know how to thank you enough," she gasped out as he rocked them.

"I love you, Bella. Edward loved you too, very much. And so did Renee and Charlie. You'll never stop loving them, but you don't have to carry your grief around forever. You need to start learning to let that part go, Darlin'." He said soothingly.

She pulled back after a while and looked at him, her eyes red rimmed, "I've been thinking about something you said to me last month, when we were watching Edythe order Emmett around. You said that I didn't really hate Christmas. I didn't believe you. I'd hated Christmas since they were taken from me. That thought nagged at me though and I realized, begrudgingly mind you, that you were right. It wasn't the holiday or the trappings that came with it. It was the pain that this time of year brought me, and naturally I hated that pain. I had just assigned that hate to the wrong thing. I also think you're right in that I need to learn to let go of it. I just… don't know how," she confessed, peeking up to him.

"That I can help with. I know someone who works in the brownstone next to mine. You haven't met her yet, she just moved from Ireland last month. Her name is Siobhan and we went to UW together while she was studying abroad. She graduated and went back to Ireland right before I met you. She recently moved back, for good she hopes. If you don't feel comfortable with her, we can try others. There is no shortage, so we'll try out different people until you find the one that's right for you," he offered.

She thought about it for a few moments before nodding her head, "I think that would be for the best. Now, enough of my drama, open your present," she said, a sneaky smirk coming to her face.

He'd completely forgotten what they'd been doing. He was just relieved that what he'd done hadn't upset her.

His package was smallish and rectangular. Maybe it was the iPad he'd been eyeballing. He ripped it open but came face to face with a plain white box. He looked to her curiously and she nodded back to it.

He opened it to find all sorts of documents. He was confused at first, but started flipping through papers.

"Bella, what did you do? Or more like, _how_?" he stared in amazement as he flipped through the packet of documents.

"Well, you remember the letter you threw away from your family's lawyer about your Grandfather's farm outside of Houston he left you?" she asked tentatively. Now the shoe was on the other foot, apparently. Whatever it was she had done, she was awful nervous about it.

"Yes?" he answered, "But Bella, you heard the conversation between Jessamine and I. She said she would take it from me if I tried to claim it. And she has the ability to do so with the sort of money they have."

"Yes, I heard the screaming match between the two of you. So I snagged the letter and I paid a visit to Jenks…"she watched as his mouth fell open.

"You went to see Jay? Really? I thought you hated him? Called him an unethical cockroach, if I recall," he said in amazement.

"Well, I did, on both accounts. But I knew he would be able to help with this. This was too important to let my opinion of him get in the way. He hired a PI to go digging. Long story short, it turns out that Jessamine has a few skeletons in her closet. He wouldn't get into what he found out because I didn't want to know, but he said that he had already taken care of things through the family lawyer and they became quite willing to cooperate. So, now all of it's yours. You just have to sign a few things in that stack and mail them to Jenks." She smirked.

Never in a million years would he have anticipated this. Now it was his turn to get emotional.

"I can't tell you how much this means to me, Bella. That house has been in the Whitlock family ever since the farm has been in existence, back when the first settlers started moving to Texas." He went misty eyed.

Bella snaked her arm around his waist, laying her head on his shoulder as he processed everything. It was worth doing what she had, even if it meant paying that unethical little cockroach.

She looked at the tree and its decorations, then at the stockings hanging up and then back to her love. Playing with the ring on her finger, she decided maybe Christmas wasn't so bad after all, as long as she had him to celebrate it with.

 _Fin_

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